The Blog, Being Forgotten

Consulting-room-one is soothingly decorated, its pale surfaces undented by the blast-zone between doctor and patient. The walls are calm green and the muted art, carefully laid upon them, conveys bland serenity. Even the breeze billowing the window-blinds dare not ruffle the taut silence. In sore-thumb contrast, I am anything but calm. Grimly seated in the consultant’s observation-line, my gaze bolts toward the window. Sunlight drains through the blinds, seeping intrusively into the room. I can hear cars driving past and people talking. Life goes on as normal for those outside of these walls. Those who have not just had a tyre-shredder thrown down in front of their life-path. For us, a lovely Autumn day has suddenly become a jarringly incongruous backdrop to our own personal tragedy. The consultant has just said the word I so desperately didn’t want to hear. The A. word. Alzheimer’s. I draw in quick, sharp breaths. A swell of pressure has me patting my chest as my heart and lungs jostle for space amidst a breathless expanse of panic. The consultant looks at us and we back at him. Then deep, juddering sobs breach the dam and shudder out of my tightly-pressed lips. I am unable to control the surge of agony, even to catch a breath. In an effort to slow the tide and stop the sobbing descending into feral wailing, I concentrate on forcing deep breaths into and out of my lungs.

With the dreaded A word, Alzheimer’s, now formally applied to my Ray, the solid contemplation of it hung between us, settling into the stunned silence that accompanied our drive home. Yes, we had both heard the word but neither of us cared to stain the air with it. I could not bring myself to audibly repeat it. It conjured up images I couldn’t and wouldn’t associate with Ray, of doddery old dears and poor lost souls washed up in the shadowy wasteland of elderly-care-homes.

The next morning I woke from restless sleep, into feverish incredulity, as the cold clutch of fear in my chest widened, in sync with my eyelids. Still skirmishing around denial, I questioned the validity of yesterday’s events: ‘Did the consultant actually say Alzheimer’s?’